Life Experiences

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm a little too obsessed with collecting major life experiences, whether good or bad. When something interesting happens to me, I often say, "Well, now I can say I've done that," even if the experience was sort of terrible.

Well, now I can say I've spun my car through several consecutive 360's down the highway and smashed into the barrier wall. I've had an airbag deploy in my face. I've sat in a state trooper's car.

I have NOT ridden in an ambulance in serious or critical condition. I'm completely fine. I didn't hit the wall very hard, probably just barely enough to total the car.

~ ~ ~
So, here's how it went down: It all started last week. I was at lunch with my coworker Jake, and he said, "Glad we only have a four day week next week."

"What?"

"Yeah, we get Good Friday off."

"Sweet."

This was fantastic news. I was planning to drive to K-State this Friday night to see my beautiful girlfriend Dani – who I haven't been able to see for almost three weeks now – but now I had the perfect opportunity to surprise her by showing up a day early. Every day since then, I couldn't wait for Thursday, when I would show up at her house and she would freak out. It was gonna be great.

So last night after work, I went home, packed, ate some dinner, and headed west at about seven. It was kind of rainy, which made me happy because it looked like a thunderstorm was brewing, and I've been waiting for a good spring Kansas thunderstorm. I usually hurtle around the ramp from 435 North to 70 West, but took it nice and slow, because it was wet and slippery. I didn't want to end up in a ditch. So then I was cruising happily along, headed west on 70, past the "Last Free Exit" to K-7, listening to NPR, enjoying the rain, going about 65, when I hit a little puddle.

[Shift to present tense!]

My car starts to slide sideways. Oh Shit. Hydroplaning. I've recovered from these before. Gently correct it.

Still spinning. Oh Shit. Not getting out of this one.

Still spinning, going backwards. This is really bad. Oh shit, I could die.

Still spinning. Wait a second, I'm still spinning straight down the highway. I might not even hit anything. Please stop. Please don't hit anything.

Still spinning. Damn it, that's the median barrier wall. I'm gonna hit it. Okay. Brace for impact. Back against the seat, head on the headrest.

BAM! Oh, that wasn't that bad. I didn't hit very hard. I think I'm fine. I'm still spinning, though. My car's full of smoke. Why is that? It it from the tires? No, how would it get inside the car? The brakes? No.

Still spinning. Oh, there's an airbag in my lap. That's what the smoke is.

The car finally stops. Thank God. Okay. I think I'm okay. Oh geez, I'm sitting sideways in the left lane of the highway. I don't think my car can drive. Do I get out? Traffic is coming from the passenger side. I'm probably safest sitting in the seat, not standing where the car could plow over me if it gets hit. I'll stay here till there's a break in the traffic.

Cars whiz by, then both lanes stop. I put the car in neutral, jump out, push it across the highway, then let go and watch it roll off and land in the ditch, its nose coming to rest softly in the dirt. Traffic resumes. No one stops or rolls down their window to ask if I'm okay. Wow, people are assholes.

I jump back in the car; it's still cold and rainy outside. Airbag smoke smells terrible.

I roll down the windows. Rain is blowing into my car. Well, so much for seeing the look of sheer joy and excitement on Dani's face when I surprise her. Now the surprise will elicit only a tone of shock and concern on the phone. That sucks.

I probably won't make it to Manhattan tonight, either. That sucks a lot.

I wait a minute for the smoke to clear out, then roll the windows back up. I start calling my family. They're all in a Maundy Thursday church service, not answering their phones. Great. I start calling them one after the other: Mom, Susanna, Dad. Wait a minute for one of them to call back. Call again: Mom, Susanna, Dad. Finally after about the fifth round of calls, my Dad picks up. I tell him I'm fine, but my car's probably totaled. He asks if I've called the number on the roadside assistance sticker that Mom gave me last week. I laugh, and tell him it's still on my desk at home. He finds the number for me to call. I call, and get stuck in one of those terrible phone menus at the insurance company, giving me a bunch of useless options about servicing claims. I don't want to file a claim right now. I want to go home.

Finally I get someone on the phone, and as soon as I start to talk to them, the state trooper pulls up. "Can I see your license and proof of insurance, please?" Really? That's still the first thing they ask when your car is smashed up and in a ditch?

I tell the insurance guy to hang on a second. Officer Petigna tells me he'll call the tow truck. Insurance companies take too long, and want too much information first. Okay. Thanks. I was fed up with the insurance company already.

I get my papers, put on my coat, walk up out of the ditch, and hop into the trooper's car on the shoulder of the highway. Officer Petigna is really nice, it turns out. We talk for an hour about K-State while we wait for the tow truck. His daughter is thinking about going there, but he's never had a chance to visit, so he asks me all about it.

The tow truck arrives. I thank Officer Petigna, and get out of his car and into the tow truck. The driver, Michael, is really nice. His wife is going to school to become a trauma nurse. Michael used to work as a volunteer fireman. He's seen a lot of people die, including his dad. His dad was a fireman too, but died at home of a heart attack. "After seeing my dad die, nothing can really upset me anymore." Interesting take.

DAMN IT! I've had my portable recorder and microphone this whole time. I should have been documenting this entire experience.

We get to the tow lot, I get my bags out of my car, thank Michael, and get in my mom's minivan. My dad and my sister are there, too. They're glad I'm okay. They brought me a bottle of chocolate milk. Thanks guys.

~ ~ ~
An excerpt from my Life Experience Checklist:

• Hear my voice on the radio – Check.
• Jump out of an airplane – Check.
• Rush the field at a football game – Check.
• Rush the court at a basketball game – Check.
• Hang out in a police car (front seat) – Check.
• Be in a high-speed crash – Check.