Naked Insecurity

I didn’t want to use this blog to be emotional and pointless, but I can’t help it at the moment. If you don’t want to read emotional vomit and a shameless plea for encouragement, please just skip this post.

I’m having a slight nervous breakdown. I feel like I’ve only been about 50% productive at work this summer. I accomplished some things, but could have done twice as much if I’d have put my mind to it and worked hard. I have two weeks left, then I go back to school for a semester, then I’m done with college. That’s cool, but I’ve sort of been operating under the assumption that Garmin will offer me a job. Today, for some reason, I can imagine the possibility that they might not, and it makes me sick, on several levels:

First, the idea of having to look for a job is terrifying. I hate that process. Second, I really like working here. I honestly don’t think I could get a job with a better work environment. Third, I can’t stand seeing anyone disappointed about anything. When it’s my fault, it’s ten times worse. I’m afraid I’ll go into the exit interview with my boss, and he’ll ask me what I did this summer. Then I’ll tell him, and he’ll say, “That’s it?” I might cry, vomit, or die right on the spot. More likely, I’ll stumble around with words and make pathetic excuses. What makes it so scary is that I don’t have a clue what my boss or coworkers think of my work. I don’t know if they think it’s great, or if they think I’m just slow because I’m an intern and I’ll improve, or if they think I’m just wasting their time.

I’m really good at following directions. If someone tells me exactly what to do, I can do it. If they leave everything up to me, I can’t ever decide to do anything. Whenever I try to make a decision, I can think of about three con’s for every pro. I can’t ever find the perfect solution. Probably because there usually isn’t one, but I’m so petrified of making a mistake, I never do anything. Every once in a while, I go out on a limb and make a decision that I know might be stupid. I hoped this might cure me of my indecisiveness, but no. The results have been just about 50/50. Half the time it’s a fantastic experience. Half the time I wish I could erase it from my life completely.

I don’t think writing that accomplished anything, except to expose my naked insecurity, which I don’t do very often. That is one of my goals for this blog though; to say things I wouldn’t ordinarily say. Also, posting this is one of those possibly stupid decisions I referred to earlier. Wow. That's circular. I have to stop typing now, or my head is going to explode.